Sang Froid of Death by Cop

In the Martin Beck adaptations, the actor who facilitates Haber's comic relief does it in a naturalistic way which seems to accurately depict Swedish eccentricity far better than other dramas in the same mold, always in his neck brace, a bit faggotty  within the confines of the Hollywood sissy; in The Weak Link, one of the later movies in the series, he upgrades his interesting fashion statement to a lighter blue teflon type material, and voila, the pieces to the puzzle fall into place for Haber's dilatory concern, and Sweden's wolf pack rape problem, an issue seemingly integral to Scandinavian immigration issues, is mitigated by mystery novelists, the pair of whom should obviously be governing the European Union.

Sometimes too much realism does have an undue impact; even though we know it's television, and see the interplay between Haber and Persbrandt as something familiar, even comforting, there are evenings when the immensely complicated mechanics of broadcast signals and film frames seem repellent, necessary to unplug, as urban life is strenuous enough, and though The Weak Link seems to be one of the later Beck's I missed, I'm sorry for the experience; it seems we all become discontent in our village, after so many years, by choice, or not, and if we cannot find some way to relieve the frustration of letting go, we become monsters. Not every person who lives under this corporate Presbyterian umbrella is mentally ill. Most of the residents are old, black, poor, an occasional veteran and sick whites physically on their way to hospice, but there is, as well, the mental health contingent, and I know of a few suicide attempts here at Riverside, and cannot tell you why public housing is like this in America.

My desire to flee is so strong I may just obey, take the bus to my stepmother's, say a prayer I don't kill my father, and camp out on the fucking lawn while it's still summer, and just go. I could apply to writer's retreats, but they are exhaustively competitive, and primarily serve graduates who still have the energy and longevity, even the assumed placid temperament. If I voluntarily roll myself out of Riverside Presbyterian, I am probably too old to play roulette once more with another section 811 landlord, but it is the leaving, just walking the fuck away, that makes me stop hurting. It is just a fucking beige ten story slab, a leaning tower cheaply painted and cheaply maintenanced with bad plumbing, whether or not this is fair to do to an old man who institutionalized me for 16 years. I threw in a few months of my own, back in the day, for good measure, and forthwith swear off Swedish programming for the next six months, even though this particular episode had a studious lesson to teach about the domino effect, castigating aggression, Persbrandt's Gunvald was still Gunvald, plowing through with the force for coup de grace.

If you need to become a writer, don't do it the way I did. I often wonder if I had to be one because being a quadriplegic would have been otherwise intolerable, but I never truly thought the damn thing out, and equated it early in youthful exuberance with the prophetic. I decided to make it my life, with nonchalant assurance things would fall into place, within my own obstinate bovine traces: think of other vocations of interest, and make a plan. My IQ may be very high, but in many ways, I'm also a fucking moron beneath my own contempt, and don't know how to repair the damage, with what I allowed Pennsylvania to inflict on me, just taking it. The novelist Jennifer Weiner set me thinking on this. She's produced, made her splash, certainly resonates with my sister, and held my interest about 30 seconds. I staked my life on my talent, and I'm all but a pretentious sociopath. Weiner makes fun of her social status and her sex life, and has enough recognition to play on video. No matter how much we stake, not finding a sustaining audience by the age of 40 is a pretty good gauge of how far to throw in the towel.

Pricetag failure

Had I succeeded with the freelance proposal I submitted on this day, I would have been 250 dollars richer, just as, had Beasley kept his word, I would have had an additional 55 towards housekeeping. Adds up. The amounts involved would have been long gone since, but any amount is better than zero. I have slowed down, due to transitioning between accounts, and other activities you have read about above, but I also have to get better, honing trade market to idea, so I have retracted slightly into the old paradigm under which most writers get no money at all, and that is, leaning on my own hardcopy development.

I am going to let you in on a small secret that will make me even more popular with literary and independent magazine editors. Yessssss, reading recent issues matters, but not really, not for the classifieds from my former MFA syndicate. You learn after a while it is like a lottery. Get creative enough with your imagery and some editor somewhere will offer you a blow job or tit nibble. It may not be the high end, like Paris Review, or my near obsession, a before death correspondent byline in Atlantic Monthly, and note, I did not say fiction, or poetry, but an article, but anything you scribble, someone will give you space for it without pay.

Now, real freelancing, the hard stuff, the trades, policy wonks, medical, health-- that, my children, is where sources and study actually matters, and it still is not easy to do. Off contract, I hit pay dirt three or four times. Creative writing is useless, and no one will tell you that, because terminal degree holders need a job. Writing to earn a living is not the same as a novelist who gets lucky and then has a marketable franchise. It was not easy before digital and Amazon squeezed the purse, and it is worse now.

Able bodied writers do get day jobs of course, but you know I am a quadriplegic, and my special transit access curbed, along with the usual violins. Listen to your teachers, if not me, and vice versa. Go to law school, become a CPA, have a fallback. This is a brutal game. What was my idea? Hearing loss, and I fumbled. Next bullseye.