Ennui's Last Omelette

The sad thing is any American woman could wind up becoming Aileen Wuornos. My mother came closer than I did to this type of existential tragedy, but her pregnancy with Benjamin, for those of you keeping score, my half brother who now like my sister has ceased talking to me, screwed her brain back on temporarily, and she pulled up just enough, at least just enough to see my other brother to his death, then her father, and she survived just barely long enough to see me end the Italian wedding gala to Frank. Part of me wonders if I killed her because I did not marry the poor ugly  bastard, and my sister feels the same way, guilty, because granny had to give her money for the brood. That is how my mother's life ended, with Stephanie's dependency. My sister is a weak and shallow mother, expecting hand outs, and the last time she and I spoke, she screamed at me that I hated her, and no, that isn't quite the case, but I don't like her very much, and don't miss her angst and its primacy, honestly, even though I myself have lost every social extension except for my online relatively impolitic interactions, or meeting new editors in email and then failing them. With a sniggered gut curdle, I am not sure this counts, not that I am actively going to make a proactive save attempt today. Maybe a passive one, due to the weather.

I streamed Monster on a whim, and my initial reaction is that I did not need another welfare white trash story on top of all the others that have pissed on my life. I am not faulting Charlize Theron. She pulls out a master habitation with her B-grade actress larger than life bravado. The reviewers are right, and Patty Jenkins indicts this country more than Aileen Wuornos herself. The story just hits too close to home, too close to my own sense of desperate strain against the feeling of the noose around my neck, and I have no desire to pump bullets into tricks, good bad or sick, and know it is late in the day for justice to ease my circumstance, and my education is no longer enough, perhaps, against encroaching physical vulnerability. I am going to rest now before the second to last episode of my favorite network show airs this evening. I was going to post a LiveJournal poll asking if anyone wanted to party during the last episode next week, but did not want to put myself in the position of not getting any responses.