Carcinoma

The phenomenology of moral wrong and evil is vast and complicated. -- Charles Griswold

At the end of La Strada, Anthony Quinn's brutality is pierced through by Masina's absence, perhaps even silence. Are we supposed to forgive Zampano? What does Fellini insinuate about oppressive relationships? If the biracial inner city Miss Eddie had not caught me totally by surprise-- she was preparing to leave, turned around and lunged at me, and her mouth said what lips say when someone hits on you-- if I was not so shocked, I would have lacerated her skull with any blunt object available, within my reach, and I would have felt justified, and might have attempted to break her arm, dislocate her shoulder; if the police had come, I am not sure if I would have been arrested. Officers on the scene are not interested in twenty plus years of traumatic events, The only method I have to circumvent my hatred of her slovenly indulgence is contempt. I know from what she told me that her Caucasian father was murdered (good) and that she "kisses everybody" when I fought with her the next day and suggested she leave. She looked frightened.

When I went to a basketball game with a technician named Rick; it was obvious about thirty seconds in I had made a mistake dumbing down to my sister's idea of white welfare trash. After an excruciating two hours, I almost almost got rid of him, but he coughed in the hallway. Taking pity I offered him tea. He kissed me. Fuck him and get it over with. Things proceeded accordingly until I discovered he lacked protection. He tried a soft force, but had obviously never confronted the resistance of palsied legs; he left, called me two three times after he skedaddled for real. I forgave both him and myself long ago. Date gone bad. If I ever see Eddie again, however, she'd face my triggered anger as a representation of ablest violation that I have experienced over the course of a lifetime.

Jesse Bering might say this is a classic aggressive response to unwanted erotic stimulus, but I'd object that attendant care management doesn't respect me as equal to ambulatory humans, and won't unless I'd rematriculate. I feel justified in defending myself against black females on the down low.